Apparently I need to make some things clear.
Yes, I often pretend like I don't care about the outcome of situations when I really do. Yes, I'd rather have you think I'm disinterested than disappointed. YES, I've spent a lot of time trying to perfect the "funny/bitchy girl" image because it's something I know I'm good at, and I know I'm not the prettiest or most interesting of my friends. And, YES, I know these aren't good qualities in a person, and I'm working on that.
HOWEVER. That doesn't mean I don't want to be involved in your stupid, inane, completely meaningless little clubs. No, it doesn't matter in the long run, and being in Alpha Psi (the honors, drama fraternity at Hofstra) would probably just mean attending a lot of meetings and having to go to Cabaret every week, but I still want to be in it. Very badly. And, frankly, with my GPA, work ethic, and talent level, I deserve to be.
I also don't care how much faith I lose in the drama department through their repeated casting of so many mediocre people. It's obviously very clear that I disagree with the department on several fundamental issues. HOWEVER, I still want to be cast.
I'm tired of working my ass off and putting on a good face even when I'm heartbreakingly disappointed, and still watching other people take the things that I convinced myself I might just get this time. I'm tired of showing up at the cast list and never once seeing the outcome that I was hoping for. I'll be a senior next year, and I'll still be in the ensemble. And yes, whatever, I'm cast, and that's important, and valuable, some people aren't, WHATEVER. My problem is that I think I'm talented. Maybe that's cocky, but I've seen progress in myself that I'm very pleased with, and I can say with absolute certainty that in my three years here, I've never performed a role that I wasn't completely proud of. Because I wouldn't LET myself. I don't do work that I'm not proud of; just based on my perfectionism...I can't.
So what it comes down to is, yes, I completely want your validation. Yes, I absolutely want to be recognized for the SIGNIFICANT amount of work that I put into EVERY aspect of my life. And more than anything, I don't want to get passed over any more by people who aren't genuine. If I have something to say to you, I say it to your face. And more than that, if someone disrespects a friend, or even an acquaintance, I am the FIRST person to back them up. Even people I'm not close with at all, I've reached out to on numerous occasions. And all it gets me is exhausted and shat on.
I didn't leave my room once today. I ate the food I had here and waited for a reason to get up and take a shower. I was hoping that at least someone would call me today to check in. After all, the last they saw me, I was holding back tears at the drama formal, so it would have been a nice gesture. But, predictably, the only phone call I got today was from someone wanting MY help. Someone needing help from ME. And that feels like complete shit, and I'm fucking tired of it.
So if you're gonna insult my personality, the way that I am, you better start picking up some of the fucking slack. Why don't YOU start walking our drunk friends home. Or maybe you'd like to act as someone's therapist for a while, or defend your friends to the drama department. Maybe you'd like to come on time to class every day, and be the one calling your scene partner to beg a rehearsal out of them.
I'm not saying everything in my life sucks, because it doesn't. But I am a GOOD PERSON and I deserve GOOD THINGS. And I'm tired of waiting around for them while other people get rewarded for mediocrity.
And finally, as a side note, let it be known that I'm not begrudging any of my friends the roles they were given for next semester, or anyone who did get a bid for Alpha Psi. I'm so glad that good things are finally happening for them, after they were ignored and their talents wasted for so long. I do want the best for the people I love. I really do. But it's not enough for me to see it happening for my friends. Maybe it should be, but I don't think so. I think it's okay to want good things for myself.
So. I'm gonna get them. I'm gonna take this summer for myself, get my head together. Get myself in a pattern of going to the gym, eating right. All that. I won't be seeing most of my friends, and that's okay. The ones who matter will make the same amount of effort that I will to keep in touch. The ones who don't can go by the wayside until it's convenient for them to be supportive again. That's all fine with me. I'm going to get myself to a point where I'm happy with myself, and I'll see what happens from there.
I'm not compromising myself any more.
And when everything starts breaking down
You take the pieces off the ground
And show this wicked town something beautiful and new.